Stop Fights In Their Tracks | 3 Steps To Diffuse The Drama
Conflict happens all the time. It is a normal, healthy, and important part of being in a relationship. The fights that come with the conflict — that is another story.
We all know all too well how the most minor of moments: silly misunderstandings, preventable miscommunications, and unintended missteps can cause major issues at home or work. If we are not careful these minor moments can bring about unwanted drama, drawn-out arguments, and workplace political disasters.
The proliferation of these troubles? 9 times out of 10 — we did not properly diffuse “the fight” from the jump.
Sounds almost too simple, right? Could it be true that all we have to do is get better at diffusing fights and then the majority of our problems in our life just… go away?
Well, yes in fact it is true.
While conflict will always be present — challenging us to grow, fights don’t need to be — they are avoidable.
We have way more power than we think when it comes to stopping interpersonal disasters from occurring at home and at work.
We are human and therefore we will make mistakes, get frustrated, take things personally, fail to follow through, and so on. All too often when these things happen, instead of being receptive and responsible we double down and defend ourselves.
Why Fight?
We argue and justify that we are in the right to have done something that negatively affected another person. Or, we try to convince that we did not intend to do something that negatively affected the other person and therefore no one has the right to be mad at us.
Sound familiar? If you are reading this you are probably thinking my wife, my colleague or my mother does this all the time.
But guess what? You do this too.
Humans are programmed to defend themselves. We crave being understood and respected. We also fear being rejected and criticized. The slightest possibility that someone, especially our closest confidants, will be upset with us and, (even worse) want to confront us and tell us exactly how we messed up sends our defense mechanism on high alert.
Whether it is happening at a conference table or at the kitchen table, when we are faced with a conflict or the potential of one we feel vulnerable and exposed, and as such, we react. It is instinctual.
But, here is the issue: Defending ourselves requires that we fight and that the other person mounts up too. We all fight for the same reasons to defend our feelings, our honor, and our intentions. While we may not be fighting with our fists we are certainly fighting with our mouths and our body language.
When triggered we can say and do a litany of things that cause the issues to escalate. We tend to defend ourselves by:
Invalidating the other person’s perspective by telling them that their perception or feelings are unjustified or just plain wrong.
Insulting the other person by making comparative or critical remarks.
Stonewalling the person by shutting down and/or not listening, making it impossible to get a resolution.
Exploiting by rubbing the mistake in the person’s face and not offering them grace and kindness.
Redirecting the conversation to a set of facts/details that allow us to save face as a way to justify our behavior, instead of telling a balanced story and being accountable for our part.
Of course, the overt and aggressive versions of the above-mentioned behaviors will always come to mind first, but the truth is we all do these behaviors in their more subtle forms: rolling eyes while someone is talking, insinuating that things are being blown out of proportion and simply not being fully present during a conversation.
Minor as these things are they show disrespect and disregard and are enough to turn a minor upset into a major fight in a nanosecond.
Net-net our default reactions don’t diffuse they instigate. And yet, if we want to have thriving relationships, good rapport, and in general happier lives, we need to learn how to diffuse.
So how then do you diffuse fights?
First, it is important to keep in mind that diffusing — doesn’t mean pacifying or stepping over an issue; it means setting the stage for a productive discussion. Diffusing is about ensuring that both parties stay open throughout the conversation so that a resolution can be achieved.
I have found that there are 3 key steps to preventing a fight: 1) Acknowledgment, 2) Apologies, and 3) Accountability.
These are simple steps, not easy ones.
Our wiring and instincts to protect and defend ourselves, make it challenging to be pragmatic and methodical when we are on high alert. We can only do our best in each moment and commit to refining our approach with each try.
In order to stop a fight in its tracks we have to take care of the person's psychological needs as well as our own. The steps outlined below help keep the other person out of defense mode as much as they help us stay neutral too. They allow us to gain perspective and practice empathy.
Steps to Stop Fights in their Tracks.
#1 Acknowledge: Have you ever been in a heated conversation and the person repeats the same stuff over and over again? Or, has someone ever said to you something to the effect of “you are not listening” or, “that is not what I am talking about”. Well, these are telltale signs that you have not properly acknowledged their upset. And, instead of the conversation progressing you are now stuck in a cycle: the person needing validation and you resisting providing it.
Validation is powerful. It soothes us. It makes us feel like we are well… valid, which is a basic need. When we have done something hurtful even if we did not intend to, acknowledging the person goes a long way. It calms anger, fear, and hurt and it allows the conversation to progress.
Acknowledging someone by saying — “I hear you it is upsetting”, or “I get it it sucks you had to experience X” doesn’t mean you agree, that you would have the same reaction or that you are guilty of anything. It means that you get the other person’s perspective.
We tend to resist validating people because we can feel like it may invalidate our own perspective. However, two things can be true at the same time — in this case, their perspective and yours can co-exist.
Validating someone ensures that you are both on the same page and clear on the issue (which is usually the other persons feeling about a situation) that they want to discuss. The conversation can’t go on unless there is alignment on what is at stake, so if you want to “get on with it” or “move on from it” acknowledge the other person’s perspective first and foremost.
#2 Apologize: Genuinely showing remorse demonstrates that we respect and care about the person’s feelings and that goes a long way when someone is hurt.
When we show remorse it means that we understand that our actions or words had consequences that we are not proud of and, that at the very least we have some empathy for how the other person feels.
An apology, however, can be a very hard task to execute.
Culturally, we have been taught that it is okay to vacillate between being disingenuous or stingy with our “sorrys”. We either say sorry incessantly/flippantly or, we withhold our “sorrys” as a way to look strong. In addition, for some of us, our upbringing and personal makeup make it challenging to show empathy in times of conflict. These factors can add to the stress in our relationships and make the process of diffusing fights challenging if not impossible at times.
Doing the work that we need (with a therapist or a coach) and thinking through what we can be genuinely sorry for before having a conversation to deal with an upset will help us keep our relationships thriving and ensure that we are proud of how we showed up during the conversation.
#3 Account: Relationships have cycles of conflicts and reconciliations, this is how they evolve. Being accountable for the impact of your piece of the conflict facilitates resolution and indicates that you want to be a part of the evolution of the relationship. Even if your piece of the conflict was 1% of the proverbial pie, quickly and willingly putting in place a strategy to prevent the same issue from happening in the future will strengthen trust in your relationships. Another benefit? Accountability begets accountability. Once people feel that you will meet their needs they become beyond happy to meet yours.