Why is working with you so hard?!
How understanding our preferences can make or break our relationships.
As a coach, my marriage is a great testing and training ground for my work.
One of the most poignant lessons that I have learned from my relationship is that everyone has a way in which they prefer to do, say and process things.
It sounds like a simple enough lesson, but like most simple things: it may be simple but it is certainly not easy.
You see, we humans tend to think that our Preferences (how we do, say and process things) is the best or better yet, the only way. And, when we inevitably bump up against someone else’s Preferences we can even feel like something is wrong with the other person and /or that the relationship is not fixable.
So what are Preferences anyways?
In the context of relationships where we need to work with others toward common goals, Preferences (or styles as they are sometimes referred to) appear in 3 main forms:
Learning: How we like to process and learn information
Communication: How we like to communicate, build ideas and get alignment
Recognition: How we like to receive and give recognition, appreciation and respect
Heavy list, huh? It is no wonder that misunderstandings and conflicts brew so easily, especially among people with drastically different Preferences.
Unfortunately, most of the time when there are challenging dynamics we tend to overlook the importance of spotting and honoring Preference differences. We focus almost exclusively on upleveling Performance (skills and capacity) and evolving Personality (qualities and characteristics).
Another way of saying it, we bark up the wrong tree and the results we get when trying to improve our relationships are mixed at best.
Let’s go back to my marriage for a moment (hi, honey!)
My husband and I are as different as you can imagine. I can’t quite tell if it is true that opposites attract or if the universe has a cruel sense of humor (ha!)
People in long term relationships who are reading this can understand what it is like to have a perfectly good day deteriorate over dusting or dishes. For my husband and I it was driving. Driving always got us.
Picture it…
A beautiful fall Saturday. Lattes in hand my husband and I load into the car. He is in the driver’s seat because he loves to drive. I am in the passenger seat because I love to play DJ.
We are headed to a town that we had never been to before, so I let my husband know that along with supplying the soundtrack for our trip I will also provide the directions.
Happy and caffeinated we made our way out of the city.
Halfway up the river, I tell my husband that he will need to turn right soon on Smith Road. Immediately, he asks: “in how many feet do I turn?”
I look at my phone and tell him: “in about 1000.” He then asks (more annoyed this time) “in exactly how many feet do I turn?”
So, I tell him exactly what the Waze App states: “800 ft.”
Not paying attention to how fast one can travel 800 feet at 60 miles an hour, my husband was dangerously close to missing the turn. So I did what any good wife would do: I yelled (nicely of course) “slow down, you are going to miss the turn. Turn right, NOW!”
This went on for another 4 turns.
I would tell him when to turn, he would want more specifics. I would provide them. He would need more details. I would try to be more specific. He would get frustrated. I would get annoyed.
Until we both finally lost it.
So, there we were pulled over on some rural road in upstate New York fighting with each other. Fun day trip…over!
My husband was complaining that I wasn’t giving him “good” directions and that I was being confusing. I was defending myself and telling him that he didn’t trust me and that he always has to be in control.
Can you relate?
You are trying to collaborate/communicate with someone and a conflict arises and you just don’t understand what the actual issue is.
This is what happens when we are not clear on our own Preferences and don’t take the time to understand the Preference of others.
What was actually happening in the scene with my husband and I was a lack of awareness around our individual Learning Styles (or Preferences).
Learning Styles as I described above are preferences for how we like to process and learn information.
There are 4 main Learning Styles
Auditory — Learning by listening and talking
Reading/Writing — Learning by reading and writing
Kinesthetic — Learning by mimicking or doing
Visual — Learning by watching and looking at graphs, pictures, etc…
Most people will lean into one or two of the styles as their preferred way of learning. Some may find that they can learn equally as well using any of the styles.
As for my husband and I, if you have not guessed it yet, our Learning Styles are completely different from one another.
His primary learning style is Visual. Mine is Auditory.
In the car that fateful day I was trying to help him navigate by telling him when and where to turn. As a Visual Learner my telling him wasn’t helping him process the information in an efficient way. Because of his style he needs to look at things like maps to fully grasp what is going on.
Of course this wasn’t the first time we bumped up against our Preference differences (home renovations anyone?!)
Because we did not understand our Preferences at the time, this silly lovers quarrel about directions was legitimately making us question if we could truly trust each other and work well together.
In fact, this is quite often the case. Our lack of education around Preferences in general, means that when we bump up against Preference differences it can make us question the relationship’s viability.
What about in the Work Place?
A great example of how this a misunderstanding of Preferences can play out in the context of a work environment comes from a client that I had a few years ago.
My client came to our session asking for support on how to deliver an unfavorable performance review to a direct report. The direct report had already been on a Performance Improvement Plan the year prior for the same issues. This was the last straw. If the issues weren’t fixed the person would be demoted.
Per my client’s assessment her direct report:
Talked too much
Was not working as independently as she could
Asked too many random questions
Derailed meetings to talk about things that were already detailed in emails
Wasn’t respectful of people’s working time
The more my client and I chatted about her direct report the clearer it became that the underlying issue was a matter of Learning Styles not Performance or Personality issues.
I proposed this idea to my client and asked her to hold off on conducting the review until she and her direct report both took a Learning Styles quiz. (I like to use VARK).
The quiz revealed that my client primarily learned by Reading and Writing while her direct report was an Auditory Learner.
The even bigger realization? My client’s least preferred Learning Style was (drum roll please…..) Auditory Learning. Go figure! No wonder the relationship felt so impossible to improve.
I helped my client use this information to improve her overall leadership effectiveness. To manage to the differences between my client and her direct report’s Learning Styles, we put in place the following practices:
Office Hours: This provided a specific time and a place for my client’s direct report to talk through ideas and concerns without my client feeling bombarded.
Talk Through Meetings: One on one or group meetings where my client would be available to discuss projects that she had delegated.
In Writing Practice: My client asked her direct reports to send an agenda or materials before meetings so that she had time read and process the information.
These few tweaks to how my client interacted with her direct report shifted the dynamic and soon the relationship turned a corner. Fun fact: they are still working together.
Lesson Learned
To be effective and happy in our personal and professional relationships we need to be able to distinguish Preferences differences from true performance issues and incompatibilities. To best collaborate and lead we need to also need to be amenable with our own Preferences.
Otherwise, we run the risk of finding ourselves in situations where we are frustrated and disappointed. Or worse, like in positions where we are ready to give up on a relationship that is completely worth saving.
PS: My husband and I have since learned how to navigate our Learning Styles (talk about a bumpy ride). We have agreed he will use the map while I create playlists on our drives.
PPS: If you don’t know your personal Learning Style take the time to find out here . And, if you can, find out the Learning Styles of the most important people in your work and personal life. I promise it will make a world of difference.